Jeremiah Cumbersnatch


Jeremiah Cumbersnatch is a quick witted quack doctor come cult leader with a fanatical sense of duty to his cause: making money, ‘boffing wenches’ and fighting injustice wherever he finds it (read: starting bar fights during ‘philosophical’ arguments about the price of ale)His only true friend is a pet gecko called “The Orgazoid” Which may be heavily influenced by Gex Gecko of 90s playstation fame. Jeremiah is convinced the Orgazoid can talk and regularly has “conversations” with him, no other ‘living’ person has ever heard him speak however.

Hailing from Cotown in Cartoria, Jeremiah is a stauch believer in free trade, the law of supply and demand and Individualism. He began life as an orphan begging on the streets for food until he found the Orgazoid stealing food from a market stall. The sneaky little critter would wait for shopkeepers to look away then steal scraps of food before retreating, a tactic he quickly copied. The two became fast friends when Jeremiah starting feeding him some of his haul and they’ve been inseparable ever since.

This dynamic duo quickly branched out into more profitable kinds of trickery and thievery perfecting their skills in distraction, deception and sleight of hand through constant, unrelenting practice. It very quickly became less about survival and more about the thrill and love of the craft.

Preferring to look his mark in the eye rather than sneak into his house or steal his stock Jeremiah transformed himself from a shy, scared orphan who would jump at his own shadow to a master ‘street performer’ and conversationalist who could talk his way out of an iron box (failing that he’d just pick the lock).

He studied everything from card tricks and illusions to engineering and military strategy (he even taught the Orgazoid to play chess) so he could not only steal from people, but gain their trust at the same time.

Despite being the most prolific thief in Cotown he was one of the most well known, liked and trusted individuals around town.

During this time Jeremiah and the Orgazoid became an unofficial authority on everything underhanded and sneaky with many of Cartoria’s elite thieves, con artists and politicians seeking out their services and guidance.

For a short time Jeremiah gave up stealing from people himself and became a ‘consultant criminal’ helping anyone with the necessary cash design ways to get what they want.

It wasn’t long before a young adult Jeremiah tired of hiding in the shadows and helping middle aged politicians bump off their wives and began peddling himself as a medical and religious prodigy, selling bottled sewage water mixed with herbs as a full-blown miracle cure. He learned to promote himself by watching religious ceremonies and relentlessly studying popular religious stories and doctrine. To draw attention to himself he would stage elaborate outdoor sales pitches disguised as “healing ceremonies”. By playing the priest, leveraging his skills as a street performer and drawing comparisons between himself, his product and religion he was able to quickly establish himself as the “healer of the poor” and become a very respected, not to mention wealthy man.

However, Jeremiah was not content to spend the rest of his life as a consultant criminal or a quack doctor, money was nice but power was what he really wanted. His next move was a bold one; Jeremiah declared himself the prophet of Hades and established his own ‘religion’. Instead of selling his miracle cure he began using his oratory skills to recruit followers to his cause.

He preached a very different kind of theology, one that appealed to Cartorian’s greed and ambition and stood in direct opposition to the norm. His goal was to gain enough influence to be elected into office and eventually convert Cartoria to a religious dictatorship. It was not hard to find support, what his oratory could not accomplish his network of thieves, thugs and politician friends could.

At the next election he was named counsellor of Cotown in the biggest landslide in recorded history (he didn’t even need to rig the election). However, for reasons unknown, Jeremiah never turned up for his inauguration, he simply disappeared without a trace.

Several years have passed since then and there have been no confirmed sightings of Jeremiah or the Orgazoid. There are stories however, whispers on the wind of a traveller who fits his description in one way or another.

One tells of a man identifying himself as the ‘Son of Hades’ who saved a dying Humosan from a group of bandits in the Eastern desert by levitating in front of them (Jeremiah’s favourite illusion) and threatening to boil their blood with his god given powers.

Another tells of a great preacher who emptied a whole town in less than a week by convincing the entire population to follow him into the frozen wastes north of Ritonia for reasons unknown.

There are more than a dozen other such stories but their validity is unknown.

What is certain, at least to those in his old circle of influence, is Jeremiah’s imminent return.

Each of his biggest supporters have received anonymous letters demanding they return to serve their ‘eternal lord and protector’ as soon as he appears ‘from the still beating heart of the enemy’.

Unbeknownst to all those around him, an older, much wiser and much stronger Jeremiah has had himself conscripted into the Humosan military as a lowly grunt. There is no guessing what he will do next, was this his plan all along?…


Jeremiah Cumbersnatch

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